Water Off a Duck’s Back
So I’ve been in private practice since finishing my PHD in 2012. I’ve been told 427 times, “ya gotta get a blog”, “you must market yourself via blogging about mental health”. Seriously, people I KNOW! However for the past 10 years, it hasn’t happened. I’ve got a list of potential topics in my phone right now. But, I couldn’t bring myself to actually write and put it out there. Why the heck not?
Well, last week, while talking to a client about her reluctance to publish content about her area of expertise, I had a lightbulb moment. Well, WE had a lightbulb moment. Without over sharing, my client is a smart successful, young business person. They have totally kicked ass in their field and are now venturing into a new arena. They are trying to take a hobby and turn it into a second successful business. They have 3 business partners and are building their empire with a storefront set to open shortly. Thus, they need to make social media content too.
PERFECTIONISM! Not perfectionism like either one of us always look perfect, keep a perfectly organized house, or alphabetize our spice drawer (like my big sister does, what a weirdo ;)). These days I do Telehealth only, so i see my clients laundry piles and imperfect houses and they often see the random stuffed animals haphazardly thrown around in the background of my home. I’m not trying to present some perfect person persona to my clients, that’s definitely not genuine. But what I am talking about here is a different type of perfectionism involving our imaginary perfect product/output and the very real possibility of making errors.
The imaginary perfect product keeps us from starting a project and the fear of criticism keeps us from sharing it. Whatever the project, be it a term paper, science fair project or tweet. This perfectionism, keeps us sidelined, on the bench, safe and in-our-lane.
I first remember experiencing this type of perfectionism in college. I would have an assignment that wasn’t straightforward. Like a term paper, or some larger presentation where there wasn’t a right or wrong answer. Sure, there would be written directions for how long it needed to be and font, but there definitely wasn’t a way to get it 100% right. And that framed me out.
As an aside, I’m one of those adult women who was diagnosed with ADHD late in life. “Talks too much” and “talks without permission” were always the highlights of my report card. But being an otherwise sweet little girl, with a mom as a teacher, my behavior didn’t rise to the level of needing testing or interventions. For little boys, the same condition is often seen with impulsive physical behaviors, which really disrupt the classroom and peer relationships. And unfortunately often lead the young ones to the ER or urgent care for stitches and broken bones. Thus, little boys (aka testosterone goblins) with ADD/ADHD are much more likely to attract the negative attention of teachers, pediatricians and principals that is necessary for a diagnosis. Due to hormones and socialization (who knows the percentage of each that attributes to this) girls often don’t draw the necessary attention to get the referral for testing. It wasn’t until I forgot to complete the last page of a mid-term in my psychological assessment class (how is that for irony) that my professor saw my emotional reaction to the error and started asking questions. I’ll write about this situation at some point in the future, but late diagnosis of learning differences can leave big scars on self-esteem as the unavoidable screw-ups happen over and over while the child is told to ‘try harder” and ‘listen to instructions’.
So, now we have a situation where there is a project, without clear directions and no correct way to do it. There isn’t a way to ‘check your answers’ but there are hundreds of ways to do it ‘wrong’. And I’ve got a list of hurtful memories of missing details or doing it ‘wrong’.
In my heart and mind, I know I am smart. I know I can make it great. I can imagine really nailing it and showing everyone how witty and relatable I am in the perfect, viral blog post. It’s a fun fantasy world. As long as I don’t actually start writing the blog, I can stay in my fantasy world of perfection. I’m afraid to even estimate how many hours of my life I’ve spent in that fantasy world of perfection on this project alone. Ugh. This paralysis of imaginary perfection gets me and so many of my clients. We get stuck, and don’t start. If it isn’t started, if there are no words on paper, it can stay in our imagination and stay perfect.
The solution is to JUST DO IT. I know, silly right. Nike was onto something. Maybe tell yourself, it is a super rough rough draft in order to put words on paper. Just start, without that idea that this draft is going to be perfect. Give yourself permission to not be amazing, and start the project. Usually, once you START you realize how smart you are and how effortless putting together a pretty great product is. One of my clients was so paralyzed by this I began giving her the assignment of trying to get a 75 or 80 on a paper. It became a game instead of a make-or-break your self-worth situation. It was their final semester and perfectionism was definitely winning over ‘good enough’.
The second problem my client and I discussed that keeps us from sharing our expertise is the probability for potential haters, trolls and general jerks to attack. Most folks in my feminist circles have heard the horror stories of women being viciously attacked on the internet, and sometimes IRL for daring to have an opinion or for attempting to enter a male dominated space.
Actress Ashley Judd received unwarranted backlash of vile language and sexually charged threats after expressing her opinion regarding a basketball game on Twitter.
My approach to this problem is much more straightforward. Screw ‘em! Seriously. That is easier said than done, but we can’t let those idiots live in our brain, or our imagination, for free. My hero, Brené Brown, has a great analogy she shares in her 2010 TED Talk: The power of vulnerability inspired by Teddy Roosevelt quote:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
The idea of stepping into an arena, for all to see is truly scary. But as Brene says, unless you are wiling to also put yourself out there in the arena, for all to see, I’m not interested in what you have to say. Again, easier said than done, but I’m working on making some videos of little lessons on meditating and visualizing our own personal emotional impenetrability. It is a daily practice of blocking out other’s bullshit. Jerks are gonna jerk. Only we are in control of how much we let each instance or each comment hurt.
My personal favorite practices, to keep trolls from devouring my spirit uses visual reminders. I got this tidbit from my therapist while struggling with PhD-gatekeeping and personal style differences while in grad school. (Faculty in my program we not exactly supportive of big open hearted personalities or people who thought outside the box. More than once, I made the mistake of sharing too much of myself with faculty. I assumed they were kindhearted helpers, only to find out there had been an entire faculty meeting where my domestic abuse history was shared and cited as problematic). My therapist and I came up with the idea of wolves in sheeps’ clothing. I had made the assumption i was dealing with sweet and thoughtful sheep, but underneath they were not so. I used visual cues, stickers of wolves and drawings of sheep, to remind me of the ever present threat to my success in school. Every single book or notebook had one of those animals pasted on it. I was not letting my guard down around these IRL trolls. Nothing against wolves, I freakin’ love wolves… but the visual cues kept me on my toes and locked up tight when I wasn’t in a safe place to be myself.
Another option I’ve used with clients is the imagery of ‘water off a duck’s back’. If you don’t get this one find some videos fast. It is absolutely beautiful to watch water pool and run off the feathers of a duck who has just come out of the water. It it pure beauty. I like to think troll comments are gliding right off me, just like the water off some darling ducks tail feathers. Using little duck pictures or feathers in your environment can help remind you to let that stuff slide off. Maybe make Waterfowl your password so you must actively think about it right before you sign in and read any comments of potential trolls or ass-hats.
And do not under any circumstances hesitate to block nasty or threatening users. They can bitch and moan all day long, but you do not have to listen.
Protect your inner peace. Share your gifts. Do YOUR thing.